lazycrazy

I broke down. I ate triple helpings at dinner. Two bowls of soup. Swollen eyes. Mum didn't care. SHe would only care if i started explaining, and i can't care to start explaining lest i cry again.

I really, really, really, really, rEALLY, dislike myself a lot right now. i can't do anything right, nothing i do comes out good, mistakes after mistakes after mistakes, incapabilities, fears, everything, i hate everything about myself
"these thighs that know not pain, i would teach them pain" was a sentence i kept thinking of on the walk home but it's ok i didn't cut my thighs hahhahaha i hate them though

i accidentally dropped and broke my makeup mirror this morning. pathetic. i felt like an insecure loser on the way to school

IT IS THESE ONE HOUR TRIPS TO SCHOOL WHEN MY MIND DAMAGES MYSELF SO BADLY when i was released from class today (more like released myself) and when i said bye to friends i immediately felt like i have to call someone and just talk, about anything relevant, because i cannot leave myself alone to my thoughts because they will just get bigger and darker and it would be really minor at first but sentence by sentence it would get more depressing and self-hate-ish and i feel so isolated in the middle of the crowded bustop i feel like everyone standing behind me is staring at me and i freeze and i can feel eyes on me when in actuality they might just be using their phones or something and IT IS MY THOUGHTS THAT HARM ME NOT MY HANDS NOT MY WORDS NOT MY CIRCUMSTANCES BUT MY THOUGHTS

inhale death, exhale life.
i am steps closer to death the more thoughts come to mind.

i can't be left alone to myself, because i'm going to die from myself, i'm going to die of suicide, i'm going to die of sadness and mental illness

and i might already be mental but i'm really just hiding it




MY GOSH DID MY MUM JUST ASK MY SEMI-ASLEEP BROTHER HOW HIS TEST WAS? WHY DIDN'T SHE ASK ME ABOUT MY RED FACE AND SWOLLEN EYES

WOW

WOW