Im goibg tonkill myself

nope no one cares about me

tbh it's really rude to say that. so many friends care for and love me. it's such a pity that the people they love cant love themselves. i cant love myself. i feel like cutting myself, i feel like cutting people up, i feel like i shouldnt exist, i feel like it is such a waste for such a talented girl like andrea to be possessed by such a depressed andrea

its such a waste.
i am such a waste.
i feel like fucking myself over and killing myself and purposely saying hurtful things just to hurt people because i want to hurt people and i want to hit people and i want to harm people and i want to see pain and i want to see blood because if i cut myself and i see blood i feel much fucking calmer and i feel much fucking better i dont know why, i wouldnt know it's been 3/4 years since i last did it anyway

i can't choose to be depressed or bipolar or
i cannot help it, it is not something that i can change out of will, if everything was possible by will this world would be fucing insane

i want to smoke take drugs get shots do all the bad things just so that the people that care about me can feel my love and sympathize with me and all the pain i've been taking for so long


nobody knows this.
but i used to cry myself to sleep every single fucking night when i was in primary 4 and primary 5. every single night i would fucking weep because of the things and pent up emotions i get in the day. i just cry it out. no fucking body knows, not even the brother that shares the same room. so if i consider that my first funk, my second funk would be from late secondary 2 to sec 3. i cut myself. ripped my flesh into strips. blood dripping out and i'll just let it drip and dry there, then painstaking pull out the dried blood on the cuts adding to the pain. used a really sharp scissors to slice of thick chunks of my skin. which turned dark and oxidized in seconds after rolling the bit of flesh between my fingers. i was intrigued, i used to get better after doing it. i just coped with my feelings by doing that. and then i stopped


and now i was this close to doing it again. sometimes i really think everything is too much for me. there's too much to handle. This capable Andrea shares this body with this Depressed Andrea that surfaces every other year and i guess this is it. My Third funk.

how many funks will i get into until i commit suicide?
before i kill myself, i really want to read ALL my blog entries. all of it, because that's what i wrote this blog for. to read it when i get old or before i die. after that if i still wanna follow through with mysuicide i really want to say bye and give closure to people i care about. naturally the thought of people caring should steer me away. if im so depressed that i gave up on myself, i  might be able to go on living with the 'live for them' thought.

unless i die out of anger and think that no one in the world cares about me.

literally just now i felt that no one did care, because all the events important to me, caused by my parents, WERE FORGOTTEN
they FORGOT that they ever did say such horrible things to me, that i would take it to heart, that it would remain stone cold in my heart and they expect me to just 'get over it' like how they have

they dont care. dont care = get over it

they only care because i am their daughter. A daughter. i am but a 'daughter'. i am not andrea, i am just a daughter. it doesnt have to be andrea. it just has to be a daughter. do you get my drift? these parents of mine only care about the role i play in this family. they dont care about who i am. what i am. no. they dont. they say they do but they really dont because i dont feel it. i engage conversation and they shrug me off. they dismiss all the things i'm interested in. i just wanna fucking die. it doesnt have to be andrea andrea doesnt have to exist

fuck around