lazycrazy

My mum thinks that I blog a lot about her. And she doesn't read it. she thinks that she occupies such a large part of my mind. self important.
She's delusional and thinks that my blog is full of just rants and angst. Apparently I am nothing but a rebellious teenager to her.

Anyway she can get her one in a million post here.

From young she's been reprimanding me a lot. I have cultivated a strong dislike to anything she says in a high or loud tone. Gets worse when its an angry tone.

Just now she reminded me 'don't be late' and i flared up and shouted 'i kNOW LA NO NEED TELL ME' (if i rmb right)

and then she was like do you need to sHOUT AT ME

and im like you were scolding me.
i already told myself i wouldnt be late.


hightlight: there is NOTHING STRICTER IN MY LIFE THAN MY MIND. my mind is a harsh and cold place where babies will die and young children will grow up deformed and unloved and they will commit suicide when they hit 15.

so then i got very confused and there was a ton of tension in me cause she got angry at me for getting angry at her sounding angry
how do you expect me to think that you, talking to me in a strict tone, is not a scolding? i will just naturally take your words as scoldings i mean you're the one who's been doing this to me since young- it's my natural reaction.

iF YOU DONT WANT TO THINK YOU ARE SCOLDING ME THEN JUST TALK IN A NORMAL TONE i fucking hate the condescending tone i feel so restricted and i grow murderous in 5 seconds like i could rip a human head off and still not quell this anger in me
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on a slightly related note
i wonder if i'll be able to sneak the keys to the rooftop if i befriend a construction worker? I really want to sit on the rooftop and just look around and feel unobstructed breeze. i'd bring my mat and some food and a blanket there and my laptop and it'll feel great.

have got this very very large craving for wide open elevated spaces and freedom aka not needing to conform and being able to relax without hearing any scoldings

i cryd